Fondling the balls like…


It’s like his snoring got so bad that his wife left him and now he’s just forever alone with his extra-strength Breathe Right strips

maybe the strips were so effective that he inhaled his wife


attention slow people: get out of my way or I will punch you


this fucking line. this is revolutionary.
"I’m still awful about you. Your face will flash in my mind at random times of the day and my heart will seem to run over 100 mph. I’ll see or hear your name somewhere and a truckload of memories will hit me faster than a speeding bullet, and the wounds will open up again. It’s terrifying to think how quickly the switch can turn from “mildly blissful” to “hopelessly dismal.” Maybe all this time, I’ve just been “naively trusting” - foolishly living in my tear-clogged brain where endless litanies of “I’m okay” and “it doesn’t hurt anymore” are scratched everywhere. But no, I’m making a vow to end this pain. Maybe every now and then, you’d still hit me like that rush in my stomach during a roller coaster ride and I can’t shake it off until the end of the ride. Maybe I’ll always be puzzled at how things ended without any ellipses or commas. Just a sudden period in the middle of a sentence. Maybe I missed a foreshadowing excerpt in our story. There will always be reminders of your existence and maybe right now I can’t shake off the sudden jump of my heart or the abrupt constraint of my throat. But eventually, the sting will pass and when I get reminded of you, I’ll just smile and say “I’m happy now, and I hope wherever you are, you are too.”"
Anonymous: How do you manage to have fun (sexually) with your girl while she is on her period?



First, I have no qualms about fucking My girl when she is on her period. 

I don’t because she prefers not to, for multiple reasons, primarily, you wouldn’t be all that interested in sex if you had the equivalent of a stomach ache from hell.

So what I tend to do, is man the fuck up, leave My dick in My pants, and I take care of My girl.

I make sure We have pain meds handy, as well as a good selection of movies, chocolate, and ice cream.

Then I cuddle the shit out of her for as long as she wants and go the fuck away when she wants to be left alone and come back and cuddle the shit out of her again when she wants Me back.

I don’t worry about how to have fun sexually. I worry instead about how to best take care of My partner.

Best answer ever 🙌


☆I follow back everyone until I reach my goal!☆



cop: who the hell ordered all these pizzas

me: you said i got one phone call




every year after you turn 17 you get further away from being the age of the dancing queen and that’s my least favorite thing about growing up

ah but when you turn 34 you’re two dancing queens and thus having twice the time of your life. and at 51 you become the dancing triumvirate and three golden crowns are forged in your honor

lots to look forward to

(Source: humbleanimefan)